I’ve been pondering this post for quite a while now. Finally, I’ve decided I need to just let it out. Again, as I’ve said in the past, this blog is MY space. MY place to bitch, whine, moan, brag, and share. Lately, life has been running at a sprinter’s pace and I can’t keep up with it. Balance…that’s what I need. I have none right now and I can feel the pressure it is putting on me. On my family. Everything is so piled up on me and I feel like the more I try to climb above it, the more that gets dropped on my head. Anxiety is through the roof for me, and I don’t like it one bit!
Work life? Well, simply put, work is insanely busy this time of year. Add that to being down a couple of nurses and it just quadruples the stress level of it.
Home life? Well that’s a whole other thing! Carson’s behavior has been less than stellar. He argues with us constantly, back talks like nobody’s business, and has unpredictable, impulsive outbursts. He’s often getting notes sent home from school….seriously, it’s an almost every day occurrence. I swear his teacher has it out for him! Most the time the notes are for stupid crap like “he said he didn’t have a coat but he did. He lied to me so he had to “pull-a-card” resulting in this note home.” In his defense, he had a zip up hooded sweatshirt on that day that he doesn’t consider a coat, but just a shirt. Momma is ready to look for a new school, that’s how ridiculous it is! I feel horrible about it all, like I’m failing him as a mom because he’s in trouble at school. My patience is tried so much by him and I feel awful for losing my cool with him…often.
Jonathan has been going through a rough time the past week or so. He screams, cries and is generally unhappy from the time we get in the car to come home until the time we get up the next morning. It’s really taking its toll on mommy. I can’t remember the last time he slept longer than 2 hours in a stretch! I long for a time when he’s happy again and will sleep for 3-4 hours at night like he used to do. Not going to lie. I’ve had to lay him down and walk away or hand him to Chris and walk away more than once lately. This just adds to the guilt about failing my kids and family.
Chris is busy training for his Ironman that he will compete in next year. I’m glad he’s training, but it puts a huge strain on our relationship. There are nights we see each other long enough for him to eat supper and be out the door to the gym or to the other room to get on his bicycle trainer. By the time he finishes, I’ve wrangled the kids into the bath, got the older one’s homework done, and it’s bedtime. I miss having my husband home. Even if it’s just to sit across the room in silence while we are watching TV, I miss him being there. Don’t get me wrong. I’m 100% supportive of his efforts, I just long for some time with just the two of us again. I’m his biggest fan, and #1 cheerleader at his races. I get all teary eyed with pride every time he crosses that finish line.
I know….it’s life. Deal with it, right? The problem is, I’m a “fixer” by nature. I have to fix all the problems or at least I think I do. So what do I do? How do I fix it? I’m not sure, but I’ve got to figure something out. Until then I will “just keep swimming, swimming, swimming” in the words of Dory.
Thanks for letting me vent…I feel a little better already!